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| Letter to the People of America | To the citizens of the United States of America In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister, The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP (for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often. 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize". 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sitcoms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like pansies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs. 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "****". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself. 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. 13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it). 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. 16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation. (Original source unknown, based on a 2000 election spoof) Added : 17:54:59 by zerodegreeburn |
| funny noise :) | click here This was added about 2-3 years ago (from Sept 05), yes it is the crazy frog sound (a.k.a. the best alternative to euthanasia in the world) Added : 00:00:00 by zerodegreeburn |
| The Love Dress | The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute." The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress" she replied. "Needs ironing." he said. Added : 08:59:21 by zerodegreeburn |
| Aussie Ventriliquist | An Australian ventriloquist visiting Wales, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have little fun. Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?" Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie." Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?" Dog: "Doin' all right." Villager: (look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager) Dog: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Villager: (look of utter disbelief) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think." Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool" Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded) Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager) Horse: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Villager: (total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Villager: "The sheep's a goddam liar."Added : 08:59:21 by zerodegreeburn |
| Life Lessons | Lesson Number One A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management Lesson: Lesson Number Two A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,"sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Lesson Number Three When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Management Lesson: Lesson Number Four A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him! Management Lessons:1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut! Added : 08:59:21 by zerodegreeburn |
| Sex God | This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Indian man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb." Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs. The Indian then began screaming,"YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!! Added : 08:59:21 by zerodegreeburn |
| Drug Worries | Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the world"s increasingly difficult drug problem. After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs. Two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple: "Who is it?" "It"s Paul!" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring, Paul?" "Hashish from Morocco!" "Very well son, come in." Next knock on the door: "Who is it?" "It"s Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring, Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in." Next: "Who is it?" "It"s Matthew!" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring, Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia!" "Very well son, come in." Next: "Who is it?" "It"s John!" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring, John?" "Crack from New York!" "Very well son, come in." Next: "Who is it?" It"s Luke!" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring, Luke?" "Speed from Amsterdam!" "Very well son, come in." Next: "Who is it?" "It"s Judas!" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "The FBI, SCUMBAG! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!" Added : 08:59:21 by zerodegreeburn |
| Diary of an AOL user | July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me another one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong. July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am? July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused. July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online. July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound. July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I'm confused. July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all. July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone. July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online not usenet. July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard. JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION. AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON. AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES. AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE. AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES. AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY. AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET? August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money. August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find. August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more. August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is. August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I can't find that group. August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words. August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like. August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb. Added : 08:59:21 by zerodegreeburn |
| Excuses, Excuses | The following is a partial list of actual written excuses given to teachers in the alburquerque public school system by parents of students: 1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. 2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. 3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault. 4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side. 5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face. 6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor. 7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over. 8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizicaled. Please execute him. 9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part. 10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines. 11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip. 12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. 13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night. 14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating. 15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach. 16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout. 17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. 18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals. 19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah, diahoah, dyah ... the shits. Added : 08:59:21 by zerodegreeburn |
| Typical But Funny | Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends. All were singing Happy Birthday...and there on the couch I sat... naked. Added : 08:59:21 by zerodegreeburn |
| CIA | Three men had passed all necessary courses to become CIA agents, except one. "We need to know that we can count on you to get the job done," the instructor said to the first man. "Take this gun and go into this room. When we turn on the lights, kill the first person you see." The first man took the gun into the room and the instructor turned on the lights and waited. A short time later the man came out and said "I can't shoot that person, that's my wife!" He failed. "We need to know that we can count on you to get the job done," the instructor said to the second man. Take this gun and go into this room. When we turn on the lights, kill the first person you see." The second man took the gun into the room and the instructor flicked the switch. A minute passed and the man returned. "I'm sorry, I just couldn't shoot her, she's my wife." And he also failed. "We need to know that we can count on you to get the job done," the instructor said to the third man. "Take this gun and go into this room. When we turn on the lights, kill the first person you see." The man took the gun and entered the room. The lights went on and BLAM! a shot was fired. A few seconds later five more shots were fired followed by a lot of yelling banging and smashing sounds which continued for a minute or more. When all was quiet the man returned and growled to the instructor: "Some JOKER filled my gun with BLANKS so i had to choke the *****!!" Added : 08:59:21 by zerodegreeburn |
| The Nuns From Hell | Two nuns, Sister Thelma and Sister Louise, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Thelma. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Louise. Sister Thelma switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Louise. Sister Thelma turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Thelma. "Show him your cross!!" cries Sister Louise. "Now you're talking!" says Sister Thelma. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!" Added : 08:59:21 by zerodegreeburn |
| Prison Vs Work | IN PRISON you can spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK you spend most of your time in an 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON you get three meals a day. AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON you get time of for good behaviour. AT WORK you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work. IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON you get your own toilet AT WORK you have to share. IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit AT WORK you cannot evan speak to your family and friends. IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK they are called managers. Added : 08:59:21 by zerodegreeburn |
| Beer Warnings | Due to increasing product liability litigation, beer manufacturers are considering adding the following consumer warnings to their beer cans/bottles: WARNING Comsumtion of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING Comsumtion of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a monkey. WARNING Comsumtion of alcohol amy cause you to tell the same boring story over and over agian until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. WARNING Comsumtion of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish... WARNING Comsumtion of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING Comsumtion of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happend to your pants. WARNING Comsumtion of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING Comsumtion of alcohol may make you think you mystical Kung-Fu powers. WARNING Comsumtion of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember). WARNING Comsumtion of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable carpet burns on the forehead. WARNING Comsumtion of alcohol may create the illision that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than you really are. WARNING Comsumtion of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisable. WARNING Comsumtion of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING Comsumtion of alcohol may cause an influx in the space time-continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. WARNING Comsumtion of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy. Added : 08:59:21 by zerodegreeburn |
| Stupid Signs | Sign in a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT. Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS. In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN. Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE 50p=PER PRE-PACKED BAG. 20p=DO-IT-YOURSELF. In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD. On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.) Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW. Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO. Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS. Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME. Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL. Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER. Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF. Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS. Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS. Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS. PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR. Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR. Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. RUNNING ACROSS THIS FIELD TAKES A MAN 12 SECONDS, BULL DOES IT IN 10. Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS. Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW. Added : 08:59:21 by zerodegreeburn |
| Screwed... | An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm screwed." There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces. The voice booms out again: "Okay.......NOW you're screwed!" Added : 08:59:21 by zerodegreeburn |
| Crowded Heaven | It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died." "No problem," said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home to and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. This made me even madder, so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died." "Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!" The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter. A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel. "OK Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator......" Added : 08:59:21 by zerodegreeburn |
| Pope and Queen | The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand." The Pope says "No way. You can't do that." The Queen says, "Watch this". So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic. So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head." The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done." So the Pope headbutts her. Added : 08:59:21 by zerodegreeburn |
| Complied from actual adds | Lost: Small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered like one of the family. Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For Sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too! No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent. For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy. Dog for Sale: Eats anything and is fond of children. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it! Man, honest. Will take anything. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Auto Repair Service: Try us once -- you'll never go anywhere else again. Wanted: Preparer of food. Must like the food business, be dependable, and be willing to get hands dirty. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. Added : 08:59:21 by zerodegreeburn |
| Hot-Shot (lawyer) | A lawyer opens the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car comes along and hits the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrive at the scene, the lawyer is hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he shrieked. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" Retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!" "Oh my Gaaaad........" replied the lawyer, looking down and noticing for the first time the bloody stump where his left arm had once been. "Where's my Rolex???!!!" Added : 08:59:21 by zerodegreeburn |
| Only In America... | Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance! Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink! Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a DIET coke! Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters! Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless pieces of garbage in the garage! Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place! Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight! Added : 08:59:21 by zerodegreeburn |
| President Bill | President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today and when he visited one of the classes (4th grade I believe), they were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word "tragedy." So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy." "No, said Clinton, "That would be an ACCIDENT." A little girl raised her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained Mr. President. "That's what we would call a "GREAT LOSS." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Clinton searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Clinton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," explained the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss." Added : 08:59:21 by zerodegreeburn |
| The Stupidity Of The Human Race | 1. On a blanket from Taiwan NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. 2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU. 3. On a Taiwanese shampoo USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE. 4. On the bottletop of a (UK) flavored milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. 5. On a New Zealand insect spray THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. 6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.) 7. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles OPEN OTHER END. 8. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL? 9. On a Sears's hairdryer DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. 10. On a bag of Fritos YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. 11. On a bar of Dial soap DIRECTIONS USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. 12. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. 13. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. 14. On a Korean kitchen knife WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. 15. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. 16. On a Japanese food processor NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. 17. On Sainsbury's peanuts WARNING CONTAINS NUTS. 18. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. 19. On a Swedish chain-saw DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. 20. On a child's superman costume WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. 21. On some frozen dinners SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST. 22. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box FITS ONE HEAD. 23. On packaging for a Rowenta iron DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY. 24. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY. 25. On Nytol sleep aid WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. Added : 08:59:21 by zerodegreeburn |
| Date Night | This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Freddy. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?" The man, mildly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave. minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Jim. I'm here to see Kim. We're gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?" The guy, now perplexed, says "Yes." And the two take off. A few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo. We're gonna go to the show. Can she go?" The man, now kind of annoyed says "Yes." The two depart. Sure enough, a few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Chuck..." The father shot him. Added : 08:59:21 by zerodegreeburn |
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